FACING THE MUSIC OF HER HEART
BY S.J. GRAHAM
DISCLAIMER: I AM POOR, AND YET I'M NOT DOING THIS TO MAKE ANY
MONEY. THIS IS PURELY DRIVEN BY MY UNNATURAL OBSESSION WITH THE
SHOW "FELICITY' AND I APPLAUD THE CREATIVITY OF J.J. ABRAMS
AND HIS STAFF, AND PRODUCTION TEAM FOR THEIR WONDERFUL SHOW. THEY
OWN THE CHARACTERS AND BASIS OF THIS STORY. NOT ME.
Summary: When Felicity makes her big "choice", things
don't go quite as planned. Once she realizes her mistake, she has
learn what her true heart is telling her. And what it says is
something more familiar than she realizes.
"Sally, it's me. These past few weeks have been so crazy.
I'm not sure where to start." Pause.
"I had decided to go to Berlin with Noel. The letter that
he'd written was so beautiful, so simple and sweet that I
couldn't resist. I should have known that everything wouldn't go
the way we . . . I mean the way I had hoped. So here's what
happened . . . "
Noel's face, when I entered the airport terminal registered a
look of complete relief. I was expecting something else, I
suppose. Joy, maybe. He smiled faintly and pulled me into his
arms. His cologne was sharp, and disconcerting. From the moment
he touched me, something just didn't feel RIGHT. I can't explain
it. It was like something seriously had changed between the two
of us. And I wasn't quite sure where that feeling had emerged
from. That last time that we had kissed... It had been so real,
and I had been so sure that Noel and I would find our way back to
each other somehow, even if I didn't go with him to Berlin. So
there I was, standing with him, ready to get on the plane.
And all I could think of was Ben. Where was he? Was he still
waiting at the loft for me? Should I go to him now? No, I
thought. That's impossible. I've made my decision and it's the
right one, I'm sure. God, I hope it's the right one.
So we got on the plane, and we were both a little nervous, I
think. So he smiled at me, took my hand as we got into our seats
and said quite seriously, "Felicity, I'm . . . I'm glad that
you're here with me." His eyes sort of skipped away from
mine for a moment, watching the people still boarding the crowded
flight. I waited, and he looked at me again, not smiling,
"So did everything get worked out with Julie? I know that
she was pretty mad at you."
"No. I didn't manage to talk to her before she left for
home." It still felt horrible, knowing what Julie had seen
and heard between Ben and I and when I answered Noel, I couldn't
look at him. I was afraid he might see the regret in my face,
"I hope that when school starts again in the fall, we'll be
able to make things right. She was . . . is one of my best
friends."
He looked away, as if he weren't interested, "Well, I hope
it does work out. At least Ben's no longer in the picture.
Right?" He turned back to search my face, questioningly. I
sensed something immediately about Noel's attitude that I didn't
like. Like he was testing me somehow. I wasn't sure I could
answer this question honestly, so I merely smiled at him
complacently and squeezed his hand.
But by the time our plane lifted off, he had reverted back to his
optimistic self. He chatted with the other passengers, whispered
to me sweetly and was generally, the same guy that I'd fallen for
so many months ago. We talked about the things in Berlin we
wanted to see, places we would go and foods that we would eat. It
wasn't until we landed in Paris for our connecting flight that
things took a really odd turn.
"Oh my God. Eli?"
I had been standing outside of the terminal lounge, waiting for
Noel to return with our drinks when someone had tapped me on the
shoulder. I nearly dropped everything I held to the floor in
shock. Dear God, what in the world was HE doing here?
"Felicity, it's been a long time..." He smiled at me in
the same familiar, seductive way he had before, and I smiled
back, trying to look friendly, but uninterested. I couldn't
believe he was here. I kept thinking to myself, what act of fate
is this?
"Eli... Wow. How are you?" I struggled with my bags for
a minute, trying to cover my anxiety.
"I'm doing pretty good. What about you? What are you doing
in Paris?"
"Actually, a friend and I are going to Berlin together.
We're supposed to get a connecting flight in about an hour or so.
" Then, I saw Noel coming towards us through the terminal,
carrying two Styrofoam cups. I smiled at Eli, "Here he
comes... Oh, please don't mention what happened between us . . .
"
He smiled understandingly, "I understand. You have my
word." But when Eli saw Noel, his face fell. And I looked to
Noel for some kind of reaction. I got it.
"Well well. Look who's here." Noel said sarcastically,
handing me my Pepsi. His face was a mask of conflicting emotions,
and I couldn't help but think that these two must have met
before. Oh no, I thought. Could Noel possibly realize that Eli
was the one I'd cheated on him with? Impossible!
"Hey. How's it going?" Eli asked tightly.
"You two have met?" I asked, my voice rising in panic.
"Yeah, we have. What a surprise to find you here. Can I
assume you haven't followed us from New York to get your hands on
Felicity again?" Noel's voice was edged, and he was clearly
on the verge of some furious outburst, "Everytime I turn
around, it seems she's got somebody chasing after her."
"We met here by accident." Eli said gruffly. He gave me
an apologetic look and took a card from his pocket,
"Felicity, this is my address and number here in Paris. I'll
be here staying with friends for another week. Call me if you
need anything."
"Our flight leaves in an hour." Noel replied, his eyes
dark with anger. Then he turned them on me, "But I'll leave
you two to catch up. I'm going to make sure the flight is on
time."
He gave Eli one last, scathing glance and turned from us,
stalking angrily towards our gate of departure. Eli shook his
head, smiling a little.
"Looks like I've messed things up for you. I'm really
sorry."
I sighed, my eyes following Noel across the large space of the
crowded, noisy airport terminal, "It's not your fault. He's
mad at me, in general. I haven't been the greatest friend to him
these last few days." I put his card into my purse and tried
to fix him with a look of apology, "I just hope our time
together in Berlin goes okay. Things seem to be strained between
us right now. I'm not quite sure how to fix it."
He looked at me seriously, "Maybe it's not worth fixing. He
seems really jealous. You always struck me as the kind of person
that wouldn't put up with that kind of attitude."
He was right. But I was shocked that in such a short time of
knowing each other, he had come to know that about me. I lowered
my eyes to my feet, searching for a way to end this conversation.
He was exactly right about Noel, but admitting it to myself was
something entirely different. Noel hadn't always been this way.
And I was scared that my attraction to Ben had marked a major
turning point in Noel's feelings for me.
"I know what you're saying, Eli. But Noel is . . . one of my
greatest friends. I care about him a lot. I mean, I love him. I
do." But even as the words passed my lips, I knew that it
was no longer true. Something had changed. And I knew that I was
lying not only to Eli, but to myself as well. It was heart
breaking to know that, and to be standing there in an airport,
getting ready to dive into something that I was sure I didn't
feel ready for.
And Eli sensed my hesitation. He took my hand lightly, and said
softly, "If you aren't ready, don't go. You can get a flight
back to New York. Maybe even tonight. Or you can come stay with
me ..."
I smiled at him, shaking my head, "I don't think so. But
thanks for the offer. I think I'll stick it out and see what
happens. Maybe he'll feel better once we get to Berlin."
Leaning down, he kissed my cheek, his eyes warm with what seemed
to be genuine friendship, "Okay. Then you take care. Maybe
I'll see you in the fall." He looked up anxiously as Noel
came towards us again, "Call if you need anything." He
whispered. Then he turned and walked casually away as Noel
reached my side.
"So," Noel said, near my ear, "Was this another
old flame igniting?"
I turned to him in surprised anger, "Noel, what is this?
What are you doing?"
"Being the jealous boyfriend, I guess. After what happened
between you and Ben, I'm a little on edge. " He sighed
tiredly and ran his fingers through his hair, "Listen, I'm
sorry. I just wasn't expecting to see HIM here. After everything
that's happened, I just hoped that we could be together with no
interruptions."
"I've never seen you act like this before." I said
uncertainly, starting to feel the travel fatigue creeping over
me, "Except for that little incident before Finals when you
took that Smart Powder from Meghan."
He chuckled at the memory of that night and grasped my hand which
was still warm from Eli's. I started to pull away, but he took a
finger and lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him.
"This trip is going to be great. I promise, no more jealous
outbursts. Forgive me?" His brown eyes were filled with
honest regret, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling and
pulling him to me for a quick kiss.
"Okay, okay." I smiled up at him, trying to force the
doubts away as I took a sip of my Pepsi, "So, is the flight
on time?"
"Actually, it's not. There's been some problem with the
scheduling or something. Our flight won't go out until morning. I
hope you're not disappointed." He said cautiously.
"No, I'm not. It would be nice to stay over in Paris. Sort
of romantic, don't you think?" I grinned at him and his eyes
lit up with a familiar fire. He pressed a hand to my back and
guided me towards the door.
"Paris awaits, my lady."
Paris at night was a magical place, full of life and sounds such
as I'd never experienced. It truly was a beautiful city, and I
should have been completely satisfied to be here, with Noel. I
mean, it was supposed to be the most romantic city in the world,
right? So why was it that Ben's face kept coming up in my mind
everytime I looked out over the French horizon? Why did I imagine
what it might be like to stand with him at the top of the Eiffel
Tower and look down upon the glorious city? Noel was there beside
me, holding my hand, kissing my cheek and then my lips. But I
wanted it to be Ben. And I couldn't put it out of my head.
Ben. Oh, where was he? I kept imagining that he would fall asleep
at the wheel with no one there to drive with him and get into
some horrible accident, or that somebody would rob him as he was
getting out of the car at some rest stop. I imagined all sort of
awful scenarios, and it wasn't long before I lost all interest in
the Parisian sights. Even Noel sensed my dismay and offered to
get us back to the small hotel where we'd be staying.
"I think I'm just tired. That's all." I told him, as he
hailed a cab for us. God, how I hated lying to him. He would have
to be told. That was all there was to it. I could not keep lying
to myself and to him. I could not go to Berlin. It would be a
serious mistake for me. I decided to tell him the truth.
"Noel, I . . . " I began hesitantly, as I sat on the
large bed in our hotel room.
"Did you want to get room service?" He asked quickly,
searching the desk across the room for a menu of some kind,
"I'm a little hungry."
"I need to talk." I said, trying not to be to forceful,
"We never have discussed what Julie told you about Ben and
I. Something needs to be said."
His eyes met mine and I could see his agitation flare up again.
He did not want to hear anything about Ben. It was so obvious,
but he forced himself to listen, and sat down on the plush velvet
chair next to the little dining table to hear what I had to say.
"There have been some things that have happened between Ben
and I . . . "
"Did you sleep with him?" Noel asked quietly before I
could continue.
I shook my head, "No . . .no, of course not. It's just that,
well . . . things have changed between Ben and I. There are
feelings there that weren't there before." I hesitated,
trying to draw out the words I knew I must say, but frightened of
the reaction I might get if I spoke them, "Ben kissed me.
Once. A day or two before we left, I went to tell him that I
couldn't drive out to California with him, because I was going
with you. And, certain things were said. . . " I sighed,
trying to find the words needed to express my feelings. I'd never
felt so lost, and yet I knew what I had to do. It was torture to
see his eyes so full of sadness, yet I had to go on.
"I can't go with you, Noel." I'd said it, and there was
no turning back. It was imperative that he know the truth,
"I can't go with you right now. Everything with Ben is still
up in the air, and I can't honestly commit myself to you or
anyone until I find out what I feel for him. It wouldn't be
right."
His reaction was quick and startling. He rose, turned from me and
swept everything from the dining table onto the floor in a noisy,
angry gesture of defiance, "Damn you, Felicity! We get all
the way to Paris, and now you pull this shit on me? How can you
do this?" He turned on his heel and stalked towards the
door.
"Noel, where are you going?" I asked fearfully.
"I need some air." He paused for a moment in the open
doorway and turned to me, his dark eyes narrowed with clear
disdain, "I hope you're not here when I get back. Maybe you
and Eli can enjoy the Paris nightlife together. Worthless
slut."
I perched on the bed, frozen in shock at his hateful words. He'd
never spoken to me like that before. It was more than enough
indication for me. I had to leave. Right away. I would not be
able to face him if or when he returned. In tears, I gathered my
things and called for a cab. God, what a mistake I had made. How
could I have imagined that after everything that had happened
between Ben and I, that I could possibly enjoy a trip alone with
Noel? What in the world had I been thinking?
I wrote him a short note before I left the hotel.
Noel,
Please don't hate me. You and I have shared a wonderful
friendship that I had hoped would last for a very long time. But
if I can't be honest with you, then the friendship isn't at all
what I had thought it to be. Please take care of yourself, and if
you should want to talk, please call me at my parents' house.
Love,
Felicity
Three Days Later
"So, anyway, I got back to Palo Alto. God, Sally, I never
imagined that it would turn out like this. My parents were happy
to see me, of course. But they were really concerned about me.
They still are, I guess. My job with Doctor Kessler is supposed
to start next week. I'm really excited about it. Oh, and about
Ben... I haven't talked to him yet. I've been trying to get over
the jet lag and everything else. Besides, I'm not sure exactly
how to approach this whole thing. It seems so strange, being home
again."
I stopped the tape recorder and slid it onto the top of my
dresser. I glanced at the pictures sitting there. All of them,
images of old friends from high school. They all seemed like
strangers now. But in a week or two, I hoped to get reacquainted
with them, if possible. So much had changed. I felt like a
completely different person. I looked around the room,
scrutinizing the bed, the wall paper, the carpet under my feet.
It all seemed to be something from a different time. How strange,
I thought.
My Mom called up from the bottom of the stairway, "Felicity,
why don't you get out of that room for awhile? You've been up
there all day!"
Sighing, I rolled my head back and forth, stretching. She was
right. I guess I'd been forcing myself to stay there, afraid that
if I ventured out, I might walk by Ben's Mom's house, a few
blocks down the street. And then what would I do if Ben saw me
somehow? What could I do or say?
I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I wondered off-handedly
what I might look like with shorter hair. It would be a
rebellious act to cut it off, I thought. I could just imagine the
look on my Dad's face. He had always loved my hair, and when I
was little, wouldn't let anyone touch it with a pair of scissors.
But now . . . I wasn't a little girl anymore. Everything just
felt different. It was up to me, I thought.
I pulled my hair back and tied it securely. Yes, I thought. I'll
do it. I quickly put on my tennis shoes and headed downstairs. I
didn't dare tell my Mom what I was about to do, I thought. She'd
lock me inside until I came to my senses.
"Mom, I'm going for a run. Be back in a little while."
I called, as I headed quickly out the door.
I ran west, towards the beach, and thankfully, away from Ben's
house. I could stop by the beauty shop on my way back. I wasn't
really interested in the run as much as sitting on the sand and
thinking about what I might say to Ben. So I found a quiet spot,
away from most of the sunbathers and watched as the waves hit the
yellow sand before me.
There was so much going on in my head, and I had to admit that
much of it centered on Ben. So many feelings had been renewed
within me. Old, familiar feelings that seemed to haunt me now
both day and night. I had no idea what I might say to him if I
saw him. There was so much I needed to know and so many things we
needed to discuss. But in my mind, I could not conjure up any
sort of a beginning to the conversation that I knew would
eventually take place.
I sat there on the beach for an hour, going over everything in my
head. What had happened between Noel and I still disturbed me
greatly, and I wasn't sure that anything could repair the damage
that had been done.
I walked home slowly, deciding that the haircut would have to
wait. There was too much going on inside me to make such a change
right now.
When I turned onto the walkway that led up to the front door of
my parents' house, I glanced up to see my Mom talking to someone
on the porch. He was tall, with short dark blond hair and before
he turned, I knew. Ben had come.
I approached him slowly, wanting to savor the sight of him there.
I barely noticed when my Mom shot me a sly smile and went back
into the house, closing the screen door quietly behind her. His
eyes were intense as he watched me come towards him, the blue of
them dark with an emotion I had seen before and knew to be
passion.
He smiled slowly, but made no move towards me as I paused at the
foot of the stairs that led up to the porch. I wanted to fling
myself into his arms, but knew instinctively that something would
have to be said first. Some explanation of my decision not to
accompany him on his drive home. Yet, as I saw his strong chest
rise and fall with a delighted sigh, I knew he needed no such
words.
"Come here." He said quite softly, imploringly.
I relented, coming up the steps and into his waiting arms. There
was warmth there, in his strong embrace that could not be
conceived as anything but right. It was pure and sweet, feeling
him breathing into my hair and tightening his grasp on me as he
pressed his full lips to my forehead. My mind went blank, it
seemed. No words would come to me. I only felt the gentle warm
breeze of the California coast and Ben's powerful arms around me,
holding me close to him.
We were silent. The words would come later. For now, there was a
quiet, easy peace. As I finally began to listen to what my heart
had been saying all along. He was there, and he was mine.