America in Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage - Day Two

[Ed. note: I don't know who wrote this, but I thought it was so goshdarn funny I'd post it anyways. If you wrote this or know who did (and know where the rest of it is), please e-mail me!]

(A black TV screen. Suddenly, the image of a globe appears, over which is superimposed the ABC logo, along with the words "America In Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage - Day Two", while overly dramatic music blares. Then a familiar face appears...)

Ted Koppel: Good evening, this is Ted Koppel, reporting to you live from Leon's House of Follicles on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles. Tonight we bring you Day Two of our continuous coverage of the story that has gripped all of America, and indeed the world. I speak, of course, of the recent, tragic shearing of the famous - some might say infamous - hair from the head of TV's Felicity, Keri Russell. We will be speaking tonight with several of the involved parties, including with both Miss Russell herself and, in an exclusive to ABC News, her hair. But first, let us begin with the man who performed the actual cutting of the hair, the owner of Leon's House of Follicle's, Mr. Leon. Welcome, Mr. Leon.

Mr. Leon: Ted, who does your hair?

Ted Koppel: Mr. Leon, with all due respect, I think that what America wants to hear about is that person to whom you have recently applied your tonsorial skills.

Mr. Leon: Say what?

Ted Koppel: I put it to you bluntly, sir - did you or did you not cut the long golden tresses of TV's Felicity, Keri Russell?

Mr. Leon: Oh! Sure. That was me.

Ted Koppel: And which particular implement among your many devices did you use, sir?

Mr. Leon: A circular saw.

Ted Koppel: Really?

Mr. Leon: Yeah, and it bent the blade. Is someone gonna pay me for that?

Ted Koppel: What was your perception of Miss Russell?

Mr. Leon: Well, Ted, she had a big mop of hair, let me tell you. I mean huge. It weighed more than most carry-on luggage. And the first thing I noticed when I got the saw through it was what well-developed neck muscles she had.

Ted Koppel: Neck muscles?

Mr. Leon: Yeah - they were whoppers! I guess carrying around all that hair really beefed 'em up. Trouble is, they were so strong, she kept snapping her chin down onto her chest the first few minutes after I finished. She learned to compensate for that, though.

Ted Koppel: But the neck muscles...?

Mr. Leon: Still a problem. I recommended turtleneck sweaters.

Ted Koppel: One final question, Mr. Leon. Where on Earth did you get the inspiration for what some are calling the most revolutionary, radical hairstyle since that group of angry, disaffected youth from the underclass of Britain known with both affection and contempt as "punk" rockers introduced the Mohawk?

Mr. Leon: Man, do they pay you by the word? I can't even remember what we were talking about.

Ted Koppel: Where did you get the idea for the haircut.

Mr. Leon: Well, say so! Sheesh! OK, she showed me this magazine and said she wanted to look just like the picture, so I did. It wasn't til we were done that I realized she wanted me to make her look like Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride".

Ted Koppel: And you used what picture?

Mr. Leon: A chia pet. Hey, it was an easy mistake to make! On one page was the "Runaway Bride" ad, on the other was the chia pet ad. It was a little sheep, if I remember. And you know, I think I really captured the essence.

Ted Koppel: So TV's Felicity now looks like a chia pet?

Mr. Leon: Pretty much.

Ted Koppel: Thank you, Mr. Leon. Our next guest is...

Mr. Leon: (Interrupting frantically) So come to Leon's House of Follicles, folks! Where our motto is "You Must Snip It!"

Ted Koppel: Mr. Leon...

Mr. Leon: "Snip It Good!"

Ted Koppel: All right, Mr. Leon - that's more than enough. (Ted pulls a lever on his desk, opening a trap door under Mr. Leon, who plunges from view.) I'd like to apologize to our viewing audience for that outburst, which, as you may know, spotlighted a reference to a comedic trope found in one of this summer's humorous films, featuring both post-modernist humor and time-tested pratfalls - I refer of course to "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me". And for our viewers of English background, let me hasten to add that the term "shag", commonly used in your country to refer to... (Ted natters on like this for quite some time. As could I, with references to board regulars, along with the interview with Keri's hair, if you think it's worth it.)

(After a commercial break, a more sedate Ted Koppel addresses the camera.)

Ted Koppel: Good evening, and welcome back to "America In Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage - Day Two". We are broadcasting live, tonight and every night until the end of this crisis, from Leon's House of Follicles on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles, California. Next on our program, we have two guests. The first, a former Mouseketeer and current star of one of the popular dramas on the WB Television Network, TV's Felicity, Miss Keri Russell. Good evening, Miss Russell.

Keri Russell: Good evening, Mr. Koppel. And let me just say how thrilled I am at this opportunity to speak to you about the serious issues affecting the youth of today.

Ted Koppel: Happy to have you here. And seated opposite, Miss Russell, that which indeed sits at the very center of the vortex which is this crisis, the artist formerly known as Keri Russell's Hair. Welcome, Hair.

Keri Russell's Hair: Thank you, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Should I address you as Miss or Mister?

Keri Russell's Hair: Just plain "Hair" is fine, Ted. Thanks for asking.

Ted Koppel: All right. First of all, let me ask both of you to describe your working relationship. It's been variously described as "tempestuous", "stormy", "dysfunctional". How would you characterize it?

Keri Russell's Hair: I'd say it's a love/hate kind of thing, Ted. We have a great deal of respect for each other as artists, but in any kind of creative situation, you're going to have some conflicts.

Keri Russell: Mr. Koppel, my former hair has really put its finger on an important truth. It's about dreams, and it's about hope, and it's about not giving up hoping about your dreams, and it's - well, it's about a lot of other stuff, too.

Keri Russell's Hair: It's all about trust, Ted. At the end of the day, we share a vision. And be you human, be you protein, be you whatever, if the trust is there, then you can have growth. In my case, lots and lots of growth. In her case (nods at Keri Russell), not so much.

Keri Russell: Hey!

Keri Russell's Hair: What? What'd I do?

Keri Russell: Was that a crack? I think that was a crack! You better watch it!

Keri Russell's Hair: Ooh - I'm a-skeered! What's the big TV star gonna do?

Keri Russell: I'm a star! I'm worth ten million dollars a year! (Whips out scissors) I'll show you!

Keri Russell's Hair: Hey, babe - I've got a development deal at Fox. If Duchovny walks, I'm in. You'll be doing road shows of "Grease" in a year.

Keri Russell: (Livid) I hate you! I've always hated you! (Raises scissors)

Ted Koppel: Well, in the immortal words of another artist formerly known as something else, "Party's over - oops, out of time". (Ted pulls the lever. Keri go boom. Her hair, however, bounces back up through the trap door after disappearing momentarily.) Hey! Keri Russell's Hair! Nobody comes back up through the trap door. It's a Koppel Watch Word.

Keri Russell's Hair: Ted, bubby - I'm a million tiny coiled steel wires.You drop me from a height, I bounce. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.

Ted Koppel: Well, I'm quite angry. I'm incensed. Enraged. Furious. Filled with bloodlust... (Ted continues in this vein for some time.)

Keri Russell's Hair: (Addressing the camera) Sorry, folks - gotta go. Doing lunch with those cats from the Blair Witch Project. Some movie about hair that eats a small farm community. (The hair mugs for the camera) Eek! Scary stuff!