#1.16 Assassins

"Don't you let some mix tape make you go soft on Noel." -Elena

Aired April 20, 1999

In a nutshell: Felicity tells Noel that she slept with Eli; Elena tries to win at Assassins; Meghan steals Felicity's jello; Noel makes a mix tape; Julie gets a girl's name (for Sean); Ben and Lynn do the guy thing.

People who thought this up: Andrea Newman & Jennifer Levin (the writers), Michael Schultz (the director)

Supporting cast: Greg Grunberg (Sean), Simon Rex (Eli), Ali Hillis (Chloe), Amanda Foreman (Meghan), Robert Patrick Benedict (Richard), Dash Mihok (Lynn), Brian Klugman (Guy), Sharon Maughan, Jan Schweiterman (Louis), Jarrod Crawford (Darryl)

Tunes: Love Pie ("Hunker Down"--Love Pie), Beth Orton ("Sweetest Decline"--Central Reservation), Gus ("Goin' Our Way"--Word of Mouth Parade), Kathleen Wilhoite ("Picked Up Where You Left Off"--Pitch Like a Girl)

Quotes

Long summary

Felicity tells Sally about her new sexual experience. Somehow the scent of turpentine is involved--just don't ask me how.

Noel comes by and asks where she was last night, admitting that he didn't sleep with Hanna. But Felicity's got a sudden case of the freshman study syndrome, and skidattles to the library before he can ask more questions.

In the library, Felicity tries to tell Julie about Noel, but Sean needs help with a project (which doesn't involve fruit, this time). Even though Julie tries to send him away (girl talk), Felicity leaves her hanging for O-Chem.

Meanwhile, Noel's trying to make a mix tape for Felicity [ed. note: which is so eighties], while Darryl's just trying to give him some ammo. For the dorm game, that is. Which Noel completely forgot about.

So Noel explains the rules of the game to the unexcited dorm crowd, while Lewis the "pacifist" (wasn't he just trying to kill his roommate a few episodes ago?) seeks the conscientious objector status. Meanwhile, Elena is determined to win at all costs, while Noel just wants to talk to Felicity, so he can woo her back with the tape.

In other romantic tales of woe, Sean admits to Julie that he's got a crush on the school librarian, but she's thinking he needs a less business like strategy (definitely lose the day planner). Meanwhile, Ben and Lynn are up to business as usual (1 a.m. concerts), while Julie's thinking that Ben's business is getting a little old.

Elsewhere, Felicity is getting wooed by Noel's mix tape--which Elena warns her not to get all soft on. She reminds Felicity about the Hanna scenario, but Felicity's got that Stretch Princess song on her mind. When a fake sounding delivery person stops by to drop off a bouquet of hideous flowers (for Felicity), she's had enough. She goes to confront the Noel situation head on, while Elena confronts her would-be assassin, Meghan.

Felicity tells Noel to stop sending her music and flowers--she can't take it anymore--but wait a second, he never sent her any flowers (so he has taste after all). When he takes the card and asks who "Eli" is (hey, doesn't he ever watch MTV?), she tells him the truth: she was with someone, and she slept with him. Noel leaves without saying a word--a particularly difficult feat, considering he coined the phrase "fundamentally disregard" only a few episodes ago...

In class, Noel is still visibly upset about the situation.

So Felicity tells Eli it was a mistake, even though he gets it: she hit a rough patch, and slept with him to feel better. He tells her to let him know if it doesn't work out (ed. note: typical guy reaction).

Felicity records to Sally that she will never be able to recover her lost virginity (but you knew that).

In lighter moments, Julie finally gets the librarian's name for Sean (Chloe, not Vivian). He can't talk to girls that gorgeous, but he can write them letters describing himself as that handsome young entrepreneur. Meanwhile, Julie's just trying to ward off assassins (the library is out of bounds), and so is Elena, who refuses to leave her target's door. Felicity decides to leave a note for Noel.

At the coffeehouse, Lynn asks Ben if he's still on for tonight.

But it's funny how quickly the hunters become the hunted--at least that's Richard's new theory. He just wants to shoot Noel, who just wants to shoot Eli--that and be left alone. But Richard can sympathize--after all, he was dumped for a minnow who couldn't get out of the shallow end of the pool. Somehow Noel decides that he must see Eli.

So he asks Felicity about the guy, but can't seem to get past the fact that he was dumped for an individual who smells like day old turpentine. And she definitely wasn't drunk. They end up arguing; Noel throws something across the room (a glass frame? A tube of acrylic paint? One of Meghan's bone sculptures? Felicity's Dawson's Creek paraphernalia?-- Which she secretly hides under her bed? Funny that they never addressed this issue). Anyways, Felicity starts crying, and poor, insensitive Noel can't figure out why she did it.

So when Guy tells Noel that Elena cheats (since she shot him on his way to the john), Noel's "so does everybody" is timely--and predictable.

Felicity finally tells Julie about Eli, which Julie understands--having had sex with someone when she didn't really want to. Felicity is still obsessing about naps with Noel when Richard "I'm no minnow" comes by and tells her that he knows about her dirty little deed. She shoots him in the eye (ed. note: she's got good aim), and he hands her his target: cyber boy himself.

Meanwhile, Noel learns that Eli "I sleep with girls who hit rough patches" thinks of his beloved only as "some girl" when he goes to check out his competition, and his sketches, of said girl.

Sean's still trying to woo Chloe, but Julie informs him that he can definitely lose the buyer incentive plan. Plus he spelled her name wrong on the day planner (Chleo?).

At the bar, Noel's busy getting souped up, while Lynn tells him that he better take care of his girlfriend--you know, the one with all the hair.

An attack between Meghan, Lewis and some guy occurs in the hallway just as Meghan's reaching for her Karmex, but Elena manages to out-attack them all. That's when Noel enters from the elevator, still drunk.

Noel just wants to make up with Felicity, but in his drunken stupor all he can do is throw himself on her (while all she wants to do is talk). Cyrano de Bergerac, he's not. Felicity pushes him onto the floor.

In the cafeteria, Noel and Felicity engage in a non-staring contest, yet again.

Things get worse for Felicity when her freaky goth roommate grabs the last jello (she's a diabetic)--even though Elena saves the day with her trusty dart gun. Meanwhile, Felicity's wondering how Meghan always knows who she's boning.

Julie's still convinced that Ben's giving her the shaft, even though he does have a surprise in store for her upcoming birthday.

Sean finally approaches Chloe, quickly arriving at the conclusion that she's got a boyfriend when she doesn't immediately accept his date. But alas, it's not that. In an ironic twist of events, he finds out that she just lost her day planner.

Julie waits for Ben while Sean walks down the street with Chloe.

The game of Assassins ends with Noel and Felicity having to shoot each other--a scene which this editor would have liked to have seen played out literally--but no such luck. Instead, Felicity and Noel have a long and drawn out discussion, each of them stating that they can't forgive the other for what he/she did (yadda yadda). They break up. Only this time, Noel doesn't throw anything, which was pretty disappointing.

1999 jenoy@pacbell.net Please do not reproduce without permission.