#2.2 The List

"A gnat? With a G?" -Burky

Aired October 3, 1999

Written by Jennifer Levin, Directed by Barnet Kellman

Guests: Michael Pena (Burky), Jeanette Brox (Gretchen), David Haley (Tim), Stephanie Marie Baker (Brigid), Talitha Peters (Gwyneth lookalike), L.B. Fisher (Carl)

Tunes: The Dave Matthews Band ("Crash"--Crash); Sparklehorse (album--Good Morning Spider); Santana and Mana ("Corazon Espinado"--Supernatural); Jennifer Brown (album--Vera); Belle Perez ("Hello World"), Lisa Germano ("Small heads")

Quotes

Long summary

Felicity thinks that Meghan listened to her tape, but Meghan's got more pressing things on her mind (like the box). They agree to swap box contents for tape ones (to find out which is more intense)--till Meggy weasels her way out of the deal. But only after she hears an excerpt from Felicity's lame tape.

Felicity tells Sally that things are going well with Ben. That, and she enjoys being an R.A.

But no one is listening--especially the advisees--during yet another joint R.A. meeting. Meghan's concentrating on her nails, while a female advisee just wants to skidattle (something about not being able to take it). While Burky is just plain being annoying.

So Felicity runs after Gretchen to discover that her boyfriend has just dumped her. But Gretchen's got a plan: namely, "The List" from Girl World magazine. Though Felicity advises Gretchen against using the superficial list, Gretchen's thinking differently--after all, Ian's been giving her that funny look.

But Felicity soon gets to see the Funny Look firsthand, after Ben proves he can't juggle muffins. While she's thinking they should be evil and pilfer from their workplace, he's giving off all the signs of a classic funny look (which is worrisome).

Even more worrisome is Sean's weird tendency to compare everything to a business transaction (something about colleagues and customers). Felicity's tape recorder may be a monkey in the room, or even an elephant, but Sean's certain that Ben's getting the relationship soft sell. Only he's not sure why Ben told him about the tape incident to begin with.

Meanwhile, Noel's just trying to start up a relationship, any relationship, using his new roomie as his mentor. In addition to finding out that he's practically a virgin, Elena watches as he bumbles through his first post-Felicity pick up with a Courtney Love / Gwyneth lookalike.

Sean's thinking about starting a relationship, too (think pink-wearing ex-Power Rangers). He agrees to let Julie have a party at the loft after hearing her plan to charge five bucks a head (they make a pretty good team)--but learns that she's thinking of teaming with someone else (some guy named Tim).

Felicity's probably wishing that she knew some guy named Tim, too--anybody but some guy named Ben. She just wants him to look at their road trip pictures, but all he wants to do is hit the road. That, and break off their relationship.

So Felicity goes to Elena for advice--but still can't figure out why Ben's being such an ass (okay, so she didn't use those exact words, but I'm paraphrasing).

Ben turns to his best buddy, too, thinking he might have made a mistake by breaking up. But Julie interrupts their counseling session before Sean can offer any more words of wisdom.

Seems that Gretchen hasn't exactly heeded Felicity's words of wisdom either as she toddles down the hall in her new high voltage look--which includes a set of excruciatingly high heels. But hey, she considered Felicity's advice for a couple of hours. She tells Felicity that The List is actually working.

Meanwhile, Noel's considering writing a book about rejection--since the Gwyneth / Courtney Love lookalike doesn't date customers. To ease the rejection, Elena teaches Noel how to correctly pick up Gwyneth. It's simple: just ask where the bathroom is. And act really blond.

Burky's acting a little blond himself when he stops by Felicity's to ask for a date, but finds an emotional Dr. Seuss instead, yelling at him to stop acting like a pesky little gnat. Gnat with a G, that is--and one that constantly hovers around until SPLAT!--it gets squashed by the angry sophomore R.A. (who's really pissed at some other guy who shaves). Burky finally gets the clue.

Meanwhile, Ben's clueing in on Felicity--a picture of her, that is.

So he drops by her room to explain, but ends up making a bigger ass of himself when he mentions that he listened to her private thoughts (via her tape)--and that it's the monkey that made him break off their relationship. Furious, Felicity can't understand why things have to be so "not a big deal" with him (he thinks he won't be able to meet her long term expectations).

So Felicity apologizes to Meggy for blaming her about the tape--but hey, she must feel really stupid. That's when she decides to use some of Gretchen's List advice for herself.

Cut to a scene of Felicity walking down the hall in a striking red dress. She stops by Burky's to invite him to the party.

At the party, a number of strange situations occur, including: a) Noel gets the number of an uptight girl named Brigid (with a d, not a t), b) Julie learns that Tim quotes Neil Diamond, c) Burky thinks he might be president of the United States, and d) Noel gets the look. While Felicity tries to remain icily indifferent (#5 on the list), Ben's just thinking she looks hot, and asks her to step outside--where they engage in a hot and heavy makeout session. He apologizes for listening to her tape, and Felicity agrees to lower her expectations about their relationship.

But Julie and Sean's expectations have been met--they've raked in $1400 from the party--not bad for a night's work. Sean's thinking they should celebrate over dinner, but Julie's already got a date (something about Vanguard).

Felicity's got a date too, only he's not there to make it a twosome, leaving her to pontificate alone at Brian Park. She reminds Ben about the missed date at work the next day--he got tied up (something about a keg)--but he's just glad she's so understanding.

After talking with Gretchen, though, Felicity becomes even more understanding--mostly of the fact that she's been compromising herself too much in the relationship (Gretchen thinks someone like her would never do that). Despite the enticing List suggestions (like putting blush on the nipples), Ian has dumped Gretchen.

Which causes Felicity to dump on Ben--or dump him, rather--but only after calling him a coward who's not strong enough to make things work. Not only can she not change who she is, but she doesn't want to--after all, she's an emotional person who feels things. And hey, he pursued her knowing what she was like. Not surprisingly, Ben doesn't know what to say.

Burky keeps pursuing Felicity too--for showers, that is. She apologizes for using him.

But the real point of this show isn't about relationships, showers, or compromising -- it's about hair. Which is what Felicity decides to hack off, in the end (click here to view the new short 'do).

1999 jenoy@pacbell.net Please do not reproduce without permission.